32 things I learned being 32

This has been a crazy year for me. It’s been a year of change, certainly. I broke up with my girlfriend of three years, becoming single and living alone for the first time. That, in turn, forced me to socialize with all manner of Homo Sapiens, engaging in a strange, silly, sexy, occasionally vile anthropology experiment. The freaky thing is, I’ve realized that I’m more like you guys than I thought. I also learned that I’m a lot weirder than even I thought I was. And I’m still too nice.

I tackled a DVD movie and two specials on top of my normal workload, fought for logic and for Less Sucking in the workplace. I’ve seen the end of the great boon and burden that was “Billy and Mandy”. I accepted my role as the Rodney Dangerfield of Animation, and am looking forward to the Bathrobe Stage.

I learned that I can make a pretty mean filet mignon with goat cheese and balsamic reduction, and found that I can step into any number of churches without bursting into flame (which pretty much proves that I don’t need to be stepping into them in the first place).

I’ve learned that most Americans think I’m from Canada, most Europeans think I’m from England, and the English think I’m from Australia. I’ve been on a train with a bomb on it that didn’t explode due to human error, and missed out on a plane flight that crashed for the same reason.

I’ve honed my “Kermit the Frog” impression to near-perfection, drank my way through Europe on foot with nothing but a stand-up comedian and a case of acute viral nasopharyngitis at my side, discovered my Grandma assumes I’m gay, and found that my Spirit Animal is the spider.

Best of all, I did it all without throwing up.

And all along the way, I’ve been backed by the best friends I could ask for. We just closed out my 32nd year on this turbulent little rock* with our fourth Las Vegas Mancation, which I would describe as a “hideous success”. I can’t thank those guys (and absentee gals) enough for assisting me while I played Jane Goodall this last year. Now I get to run around and beat my chest and fling my poo. It’s gonna be good.

Below are 32 things I learned in my 32nd year. Some are things that happened to me, some come from the experiences of others, and some are just bits of good advice I picked up along the way. I’m finally starting to see that life isn’t a Fairy Tale, but it is an Adventure.

I am the spoon.

Welcome to my year, bitches!

32:

1. If you pretend you know what you’re doing you can get away with almost anything.
2. Humans are much more frightening than sharks.**
3. Jeans are not the enemy.
4. Always slice your car registration sticker with a razor blade so the idiot who tries to steal it won’t get the whole thing.
5. If you get one parking ticket, parking somewhere else and leaving the original ticket up won’t fool the cop into not giving you a second ticket.
6. A little bit of hot sauce in a beer can be a good thing.
7. Never date a stripper.
8. Lieberkase is a tasty German meat loaf with a fried egg on top. It looks like Spam, but it’s tastier, more exotic, and will probably kill you much quicker.
9. I don’t know if the thirties are the new twenties, but the new thirties are certainly more enjoyable than the old twenties.
10. Expensive luggage still breaks. Sometimes quicker than the Hefty bag you’ve been using.
11. It really is better to die on your feet than live on your knees. Apply it as a metaphor for everything.
12. Twelve to fifteen dead gophers can really stink up the joint.
13. It seems that you can now copyright anything, including names of foods and animals. Someone better grab “banana” and “naked mole rat” before I do.
14. When traveling (or in dry weather) put some chapstick in your nose. Not only does it make everything feel better, but it reduces your chances of catching a cold.
15. One bottle of Jack Daniels can force one hour of good TV writing.
16. Absynthe. (Too bad it’s illegal here.)
17. Alienware’s customer service department is full of idiots, liars, layabouts, lollygaggers, and assholes. Don’t even bother. (Sorry Alienware, I told you I’d do it.***)
18. It is important for men to know that women understand their thought processes. Women don't care.
19. Creative collaborations are fraught with peril.
20. Writing is the best therapy there is.
21. A crude common gross-out joke is a waste of everyone’s time, but a crude brilliant gross-out joke is forever.
22. When it comes to alcohol, steak, and shoes, you really do get what you pay for.
23. Belgians hate fun, but they love trash and fruit-flavored beer.
24. X3 didn’t count.
25. Trust is earned slowly but lost instantly.
26. Arguing is not the same thing as fighting.
27. In a pinch, you can lay down on your back and prop your feet up for a 20 minute power nap. It’ll let you keep going for another 12-15 hours.
28. Just because a relationship fails doesn’t mean it was a failure.
29. It takes a brilliant person to understand another person’s brilliant idea. That’s why all we’ve got is reality TV.
30. If you don’t care about Televised sports, you can make them more palatable by keeping track of the off-the-court drama. Betting also helps.
31. Sometimes you have to let Baby touch the oven so he can learn how hot it is. This does negate your right to make fun of how stupid Baby was afterward.
32. Good friends, good food, good drink, good art, and good times far outweigh all of the evils of the world. Except vampires.

* I am no longer accepting Birthday wishes, thank you. Spankings are good through October.

** The word “Shark” is a registered trademark of Sparagmos Industries Limited.

*** Just kidding. I'm really not sorry.